Unfortunately, society maintains a host of unrealistic assumptions and
expectations related to grief. Despite
their well-meaning intentions, most of what we are taught to say actually
generates significant angst within the bereaved. Therefore it is important to recognize these
commonly held, misinformed cultural myths and social scripts.
Common untruths/myths include:
·
Grief and mourning decline in a steadily
decreasing fashion over time.
·
All losses prompt the same type of mourning.
·
To be healthy after a death, the mourner must
put that person out of mind.
·
Intensity and length of mourning are a testimony
to love for the deceased.
·
When mourning a death, one mourns only the loss
of that person and nothing else.
·
Losing someone to a sudden death is the same as
an anticipated death.
·
Mourning is over in a year.
Common unhelpful
social scripts include:
·
“Don’t
cry.”
·
“You can
have another child”
·
“Give her
some space, she needs to be alone.”
·
“Time
heals all wounds.”
·
“You must
be strong for others.”
·
“Keep
busy.”
·
“We know
how you feel.”
·
“Pull
yourself up by your bootstraps.”
·
“He’s in a
better place” or “Be grateful you had him for so long.”
The Truth about Grieving:
·
Frequent tears and negative feelings are normal
reactions to loss.
·
Individuals can not be replaced.
·
No one deserves to grieve alone.
·
Time doesn’t heal wounds, healthy grieving will
complete your loss.
·
Being strong for others is an irrational request
to make of those grieving.
·
Keeping busy will not help you resolve the pain
caused by your loss.
·
No one knows how you feel. Even a well meaning friend who has
experienced a parallel loss does not know how you feel.
·
Grief is painful. Acknowledging pain will help you to accept
your profound loss.
·
Journeying toward wholeness is about validating
your loss not intellectualizing it.
Adapted from Therese A. Rando, John
James and Russell Friedman.
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