The Grief Experience

Grief is the natural, healthy, spontaneous, unlearned, normal, emotional, healing process which occurs after a loss of a loved one.  Each one of us expresses grief uniquely.  Below, I have listed a few of the most commonly reported grief reactions.  You may experience some, all or just a few of these reactions in your journey of healing and self-discovery. 

There are no “rights” or “wrongs” when it comes to grieving.  However, most people report that they encounter grief in waves, with emotions, thinking, physical, and social responses coming and going, in terms of the intensity, duration, and the order of their individual reactions to loss.  Moreover, there is no set timetable for these waves and reactions to occur.

Grieving is the practice of the skill of “letting go.”  It is the way people cope with and eventually achieve an acceptance of loss.  The grief reactions that you uniquely experience will offer you the opportunity to embrace the cycle of life as you encounter your own rebirth.  

As you work through your grief, you will regain your balance, develop a greater sense of completeness, and reengage in life in a deeper, more meaningful way.  If along the way, however, you find that you are stuck in this process, don’t be afraid to seek help and allow others to assist you.
 

To grieve well is to live well.  However, most people will tell you that grieving is never easy.  The grief process invites you to embark upon a tremendous journey to heal that which is broken and irreplaceable.  It is the way you will discover the loving, resilient and courageous nature of the human spirit.

Common Emotional Grief Reactions:

• Shock, numbness, feeling of unreality
• Helplessness and hopelessness
• Vulnerability
• Fearfulness
• Sadness
• Anger, irritability and sense of injustice
• Emptiness, loneliness
• Intense yearning and desire for your loved one/previous life
• Guilt/Self blame
• Carelessness
• Emotional withdrawal/distancing
• Anxiety

Common Cognitive Grief Reactions:

• Slowed and/or disorganized thinking
• Confusion, aimlessness, difficulty concentrating
• Preoccupation, rumination
• Unaffected, no thoughts at all about the person or the circumstances
• Dreams
• Decreased self-esteem
• Altered perceptions, sensing the presence of the deceased person
• Reduced attention span: inability to follow a conversation, to read and to stay focused; this affects many on the job regarding performance
• Forgetfulness
• Loss-centered thinking where you find yourself focusing on your own thoughts to the point of obsessiveness
• Idealization of the past, of the future and of the individual and the relationship lost.

Common Physical Grief Reactions:

• Fatigue
• Oversleeping; difficulty falling asleep and awakening; inability to get stated/motivated for another day
• Under-sleeping; nightmares, loss-centered dreaming; interrupted sleep
• Decreased or increased appetite
• Physical distress
• Nausea
• Hypoactivity or hyperactivity (underactive or overactive)
• Greater susceptibility to illness
• Other physical symptoms which may include blood pressure changes, digestive and stomach problems and headaches/migraines

Common Behavioral Grief Reactions:

• Irritable behaviors: volume/tone in speaking, increased tension
• Withdrawn/passive behaviors: introversion; short answers; limited conversations
• Increased self doubt and need for reassurance
• Difficulty making decisions.
• Apathy, not wanting to initiate activities or leave home.
• Hyperactivity: excessive energy to act out the stress/anxiety such as excessive cleaning, working, shopping/spending money or talking.

Common Social Grief Reactions:

• Being unaware of others’ needs
• Passivity
• Withdrawing from or avoiding others
• Decreased work productivity
• Loss of interest in usual pleasures, including hobbies, relationships and/or sex
• Strained relationships, differences in grieving needs between self and others.

Common Differences in Gender-Specific Grief Reactions:

• Women generally appear to experience most grief reactions with greater intensity and for a longer duration than men.
• Denying the emotional impact of loss appears to be much more common among bereaved men than among bereaved women.
• Women typically report consistently higher levels of preoccupation, yearning, and intrusive thinking than men.

Common Grief Reactions to Perinatal Loss:

• It is not unusual for bereaved parents to experience illusions that their child is still alive.
• Many parents report that they believe that they have heard their deceased baby cry, or felt a sense of their baby’s presence.
• Some mothers may feel fetal movements long after delivery. 
• Many researchers emphasize that these kinds of experiences fall within the normal range of grief experiences.