Managing the Holidays and Annual Reminders of Your Loss

It is no secret that the holidays and annual reminders of loss are some of the most difficult times to navigate while grieving.  Often, these days stir up powerful memories of the past and evoke intense emotion as they remind us of the enormity of our losses.

The gift giving, the taking of vacations, the sharing of special times or activities comprise the relational joy experienced during these special times.  Initially, getting through these special occasions can seem almost unbearable.  However, most people find that these reminders become more and more tolerable as they complete their grief.

Additionally, not only are good times shared, but bad times also may be dredged up.  For some people, annual reminders have been unpleasant for economic or emotional reasons.  In this case, the grieving may feel the unscrupulous pangs of guilt.

It is important to remember that it is not memories to haunt us, but rather, the feelings that may accompany these memories which engender grief.  It is normal to experience feelings which range from sadness to loneliness, emptiness, helplessness and vulnerability.

Getting through the Annual Reminders of Your Loss: 

While it is not easy, you can get through these annual reminders.  Following are ways in which many people found comfort during the most trying of times.  Keep in mind that there are many ways to cope.  Choose which ways which feel “right” to you.

·        Express and acknowledge your feelings as they arise.

·        Honor the memory of your loved one.  Pay tribute to your loved one through thoughts, feelings, traditions and ceremonies. You may find comfort in developing new traditions which honor the memory of your loved one.  A contribution to charity, a day of volunteering in honor of your memories, or a visit to the grave may have some use to you.

·        Plan ahead and schedule according to your current needs.  If you can’t stand the idea of being alone, you could plan activities with others.  If you find being alone valuable and your holiday season is usually set at a frantic pace with social obligations, you could reconsider and cancel some of the get-togethers.

·        Identify ways which soothe yourself.  Think about what you have historically done to take care of yourself and give yourself permission to experience pleasure.

*Adapted from Jerry Rothman, MSW, PhD