There are numerous ways in which people heal from their losses. No one person is alike in their grieving, therefore it is important to choose the grief support tool
which is most helpful to you. Following
are some ways in which people have found solace while grieving the loss of
their loved one:
Talk
regularly with a friend. Talking
with another about what you think and feel is one of the best things you can do
for yourself. It helps relieve some of the pressure you may feel, it can give
you a sense of perspective, and it keeps you in touch with others. Look for someone
who’s a good listener and a caring soul. Then speak what’s on your mind and in
your heart. If this feels one-sided, let that be okay for this period of your
life. Chances are the other person will find meaning in what they’re doing. And
the time will come when you’ll have the chance to be a good listener for
someone else. You’ll be a better listener then if you’re a good talker now.
Carry or wear a
linking object. Carry
something in your pocket or purse that reminds you of the one who died — a keepsake
they gave you perhaps, or a small object they once carried or used, or a
memento you select for just this purpose. You might wear a piece of their
jewelry in the same way. Whenever you want, reach for or gaze upon this object
and remember what it signifies.
Create a memory
book. Compile photographs
which document your loved one’s life. Arrange them into some sort of order so
they tell a story. Add other elements if you want: diplomas, newspaper
clippings, awards, accomplishments, reminders of significant events. Put all
this in a special binder and keep it out for people to look at if they wish. Go
through it on your own if you desire. Reminisce as you do so.
Keep a dream
journal. Your dreams often
have important things to say about your feelings and about your relationship
with the one who died. Your dreams may be scary or sad, especially early on.
They may seem weird or crazy to you. You may find that your loved one appears
in your dreams. Accept your dreams for what they are and see what you can learn
from them. No one knows that better than you.
Tell people what
helps you and what doesn’t. People
around you may not understand what you need, therefore it is important to tell
them. If hearing your loved one’s name spoken aloud by others feels good, say
so. If you need more time alone or an occasional hug, be honest. People can’t
read your mind, so you’ll have to speak it.
Ask for a copy or
videotape of the memorial service.
If the funeral liturgy or memorial service held special meaning for
you because of what was spoken or read, ask for the words. Whoever participated
in that ritual will feel gratified that what they prepared was appreciated.
Turn to these words whenever you want. Some people find these thoughts provide
even more help weeks and months after the service.
Plant something
living as a memorial. Plant a
flower, a bush, or a tree in memory of the one who died. Or plant several
things. Do this ceremonially if you wish, perhaps with others present. If you
do this planting where you live, you can watch it grow and change day by day,
season by season. You can even make it a part of special times of remembrance
in the future.
Spend time in
your loved one’s space. If it’s
what you want to do, you may sit in the other’s favorite chair, or lie in their
bed, or just stand for in their room or among their possessions. Do this if it
brings you comfort. But don’t do it if it feels too awkward. You’ll know
quickly enough what’s right for you.
Journal. Write out your thoughts and feelings. Do
this whenever you feel the urge, but do it at least several times a week, if
not several times a day. Don’t censor what you write — be just as honest as you
can. In time, go back through your writings and notice how you’re changing and
growing. Write about that, too.
Purchase
something soft or comforting to sleep with. A teddy bear is a favorite choice for
some. But there are other options. Select something that feels warm and cuddly.
Then, whatever your age, cuddle it.
Write the person
who died. Write letters or
other messages to your loved one, thoughts you wish you could express if they
were present. And who knows but what they’re not present in some way? Preserve
what you write in your journal if you wish, or on stationery, or on your
computer. Or, if you wish, discard what you’ve written after awhile. You’ll
find this urge to write the other will eventually leave you, but for awhile it
can be a real release for you, as well as a real connection.
Join a
support group. Spending time
with a small group of people who have undergone a similar life experience can
be very therapeutic. You can discover how natural your feelings are and from
the experiences and the ideas of others. You can find backing as you make the
changes you must. Support groups are not for everyone, of course. But many
people have come to swear by them. You won’t know unless you try.
Light a candle
at mealtime. Especially if
you eat alone, but even if you don’t, consider lighting a taper at the table in
memory of your loved one. Pause to remember them as you light it. Keep them
nearby in this time of sustenance. You might light a candle at other times as
well—as you sit alone in the evening, for instance.
Create a memory
area at home. In a space that
feels appropriate, arrange a small tableau that honors the person: a framed
photograph or two, perhaps a prized possession or award, or something they
created, or something they loved. This might be placed on a small table, or a
mantel, or a desk. Some people like to use a grouping of candles, representing
not just the person who died but others who have died as well. In that case, a
variety of candles can be arranged, each representing a unique life.
Use your hands. Sometimes
there’s value in doing repetitive things with your hands, something you don’t
have to think about very much because it becomes second nature. Knitting and
crocheting are like that. So are carving, woodworking, polishing, solving
jigsaw puzzles, painting, braiding, shoveling, washing, and countless other
activities.
Begin your day
with your loved one. If your
grief is young, you’ll probably wake up thinking of that person anyway. So why
not decide that you’ll include her or him from the start? Focus this time in a
positive way. Bring to your mind fulfilling memories. Recall lessons this
person taught you, gifts he or she gave you. Think about how you can spend your
day in ways that would be in keeping with your loved one’s best self, and with
your best self. Then carry that best self with you through your day.
Invite someone
to be your telephone buddy. If
your grief and sadness hit you especially hard at times and you have no one
nearby to turn to, ask someone you trust to be your telephone buddy. Ask their
permission for you to call them whenever you feel you’re at loose ends, day or
night. Then put their number beside your phone and call them if you need them.
Don’t abuse this privilege, of course. And covenant that someday it will be
payback time—someday you’ll make yourself available to help someone else in the
same way you’ve been helped. That will help you accept the care you’re
receiving.
Structure alone
time. You may have your full
share of alone time, in which case you’ll want to ignore this suggestion. But
if you’re often among family, friends, and colleagues, make sure you also have
time all by yourself. A large part of the grieving process involves what goes
on inside yourself—your thoughts, your feelings, your memories, your hopes and
dreams. So allow yourself the opportunity to go inside so you can grow inside.
Listen to music. Choose music you believe will help you at
a given moment, whether it’s contemporary or ancient, instrumental or vocal,
secular or religious. Let the sounds surround you and soothe you. Take this
music with you, if you wish, as you go about your day.
Do something
your loved one would enjoy. Remember
the one who died in your own unique way. One widowed woman made her husband’s
favorite meal once a year, and she found solace in remembering him in that way.
There are probably a hundred different things you could do that once brought
meaning or satisfaction to the one you loved. The meaning and satisfaction don’t
have to end with the death of that person.
Engage your
soul. You’ll want to do this
your own way. Some people meditate, some pray, and some spend time alone in
nature. Some worship with a congregation and others do it on their own. Many
grieving people begin to sense that all of us, living and dead, are connected
on a spiritual level in a way that defies easy understanding. Include your soul
as you grow through your grief.
Change some
things. As soon as it seems
right, alter some things in your home to make clear this significant change
that has occurred. Rearrange a room or replace a piece of furniture or give
away certain items that will never again be used in your home. This does not
mean to remove all signs of the one who died. It does mean not treating your
home or your loved one’s room as a shrine which cannot be altered in any way.
Allow yourself
to laugh. Sometimes something
funny will happen to you, just like it used to. Sometimes you’ll recall
something hilarious that happened in the past. When that happens, go ahead and
laugh if it feels funny to you. You won’t be desecrating your loved one’s
memory. You’ll be consecrating their love of life, and your own, too.
Allow yourself
to cry. Crying goes naturally
with grief. Tears well up and fall even when you least expect them. Subdued
sniffles can become racking sobs on a moment’s notice. It may feel awkward to you,
but this is not unusual for a person in your situation. A good rule of thumb is
this: if you feel like crying, then cry. If not, then don’t. Some grieving
people seldom cry—it’s just their way.
Talk out loud to your loved one. If it helps, you
might talk with the one who died as you drive alone in your car, or as you
stand beside the grave, or as you screw up your courage to make an important
decision. This talking might be out loud, or under your breath. Either way, it’s
the same: you’re simply wishing the other was with you so you could talk things
over, and for the moment you’re doing the best you can to continue that
conversation. This inclination to converse will eventually go away, when the
time is right.
Create or
commission a memory book or quilt. Sew
alone, with others or hire someone to sew for you. However you get it
completed, put together a wall hanging or a bedroom quilt that remembers the
important life events of the one who died. Take your time doing this. Make it
what it is: a labor of love.
Read how others
have responded to a loved one’s death.
You may feel that your own grief is all you can handle. But if you’d
like to look at the ways others have done it, try C. S. Lewis’s “A Grief
Observed,” Lynn Caine’s “Widow,” John Bramblett’s “When Good-Bye Is Forever,”
or Nicholas Wolterstorff’s “Lament for a Son.” There are many others. Check
with a counselor or a librarian.
Take a day off. When the mood is just right, take a
one-day vacation. Do whatever you want. Travel somewhere or stay inside by
yourself. Be very active or don’t do anything at all. Just make it your day,
whatever that means for you.
Invite someone
to give you feedback. Select
someone you trust, preferably someone familiar with the workings of grief, to
give you their reaction when you ask for it. If you want to check out how
clearly you’re thinking, how accurately you’re remembering, how effectively you’re
coping, go to that person. Pose your questions, and then listen to their
responses. What you choose to do with that information will be up to you.
Monitor signs of
dependency. While it’s normal
to become more dependent upon others for awhile immediately after a death, it
will not be helpful to continue in that role long-term. Watch for signs that
you’re prolonging your need for assistance. Congratulate yourself when you do
things for yourself.
Reward yourself. Be kind to yourself
in your grief. Do those things for yourself that you really enjoy, perhaps at
the end of a long day, or in the midst of a lonely time. Treat yourself to a
favorite meal or delicacy. Get a massage. Do something frivolous that makes you
feel good. Then soak up those moments as fully as you can.
Do something to
help someone else. Step out
of your own problems from time to time and devote your attention to someone
else. Offer a gift or your service. Do this for yourself as much as for the
other. Feel good about your worth.
Write down your
lessons. Your grief
experience will have much to teach you. From time to time reflect upon what it
is you’re learning. State it as plainly as you’re able. Carry those lessons
with you as you go about your days.
These are just a few of the ideas Jim Miller shares in the various books and
videotapes he has created for people who are grieving. You can learn more from
his Resources for Those Who Are Grieving.
