Butterflies

As the story goes… there was once a man who stumbled upon a cocoon of a butterfly.  Interested in the nature of things, he carefully picked it up and took it home to observe.  One day, a small opening appeared at the base of the cocoon.  The man watched with awe as the full-grown butterfly began its journey into the world. 

However, much to the man’s chagrin, the butterfly struggled as it attempted to force its body through the tiny hole.  Time passed and the butterfly appeared to stop making progress altogether.  Seemingly stuck and lifeless, the man surmised that butterfly was surely going to die.

            Unwilling to stand idle, the well-intentioned man took out a pair of scissors and carefully snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon.  The butterfly slipped through the hole effortlessly.  However, it had a swollen body paired with small, shriveled legs.
            The man continued to watch the butterfly earnestly.  He expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and the body would contract.  Unfortunately, the man’s wishes never came true.  On the contrary, the butterfly spent the rest of its life grounded, unable to soar.
            In his haste, the man never considered that the restricted cocoon and the butterfly’s struggle through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the butterfly’s body into its wings.  In this way, the natural hardships the butterfly endured prepared it perfectly for a future of flight and freedom.
            Life, in its complexity, gifts us with innumerable joys and yet it also delivers somber challenges.  As the butterfly struggles to free itself from the limitations of its cocoon, people often struggle as they transition into a new way of life.  These changes are not easy to endure.  However, just as the butterfly, we have the ability transform and emerge from the darkest of days with our bodies renewed, our wings strong and our legs steady, ready to embrace life.
            Healing from the loss of a loved one is one of the most difficult transitions you'll ever encounter.  It is my wish that you find some comfort in the words and wisdom expressed here.  May God bless you as your journey through grief and recover your sense of wholeness.

Words Matter

Bereavement, grief, mourning, depression and complicated grief are often used interchangeably in our society.  However, they actually have distinct meanings.  Below you will find a brief definition of each term.

Bereavement refers to the state of having suffered a loss and experiencing the many emotions and changes associated with this loss.  Bereavement differs greatly from person to person.

Grief is the natural process of reacting to loss.  It is the normal psychological, behavioral, social, and physical response which helps the mourner to recognize the loss and prepare for the experience of mourning.  Grief reactions may be felt as a response to physical losses (i.e. your loved one) or in response to the symbolic or social losses (i.e. the loss of social acquaintances or physical touch).

Mourning is a term that describes the conscious, unconscious, and cultural reactions to loss.  By definition, mourning involves more than grief and is influenced by cultural customs, rituals, and society’s rules for coping with loss.

Depression is a term that refers to a lowered state of energy and/or a negative feeling that is commonly experienced as a reaction to loss.  Feeling "depressed" should not be confused with the medical condition known as Major Depressive Disorder or Clinical Depression.  Major Depressive Disorder is only diagnosable by a licensed mental health professional or a medical physician and requires immediate medical attention.  Depressive feelings associated with grief are part of the normal reaction to loss.  Important note:  If you entertain suicidal thoughts, seek help immediately or call 911.  This is a medical emergency and is not a normal response to grief. 

Complicated Grief is a term to describe a set of maladaptive grief symptoms which differ from those of normal grief or other bereavement reactions. During the first few months after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief.  However, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade, those of complicated grief get worse or linger. 

The Grief Experience

Grief is the natural, healthy, spontaneous, unlearned, normal, emotional, healing process which occurs after a loss of a loved one.  Each one of us expresses grief uniquely.  Below, I have listed a few of the most commonly reported grief reactions.  You may experience some, all or just a few of these reactions in your journey of healing and self-discovery. 

There are no “rights” or “wrongs” when it comes to grieving.  However, most people report that they encounter grief in waves, with emotions, thinking, physical, and social responses coming and going, in terms of the intensity, duration, and the order of their individual reactions to loss.  Moreover, there is no set timetable for these waves and reactions to occur.

Grieving is the practice of the skill of “letting go.”  It is the way people cope with and eventually achieve an acceptance of loss.  The grief reactions that you uniquely experience will offer you the opportunity to embrace the cycle of life as you encounter your own rebirth.  

As you work through your grief, you will regain your balance, develop a greater sense of completeness, and reengage in life in a deeper, more meaningful way.  If along the way, however, you find that you are stuck in this process, don’t be afraid to seek help and allow others to assist you.
 

To grieve well is to live well.  However, most people will tell you that grieving is never easy.  The grief process invites you to embark upon a tremendous journey to heal that which is broken and irreplaceable.  It is the way you will discover the loving, resilient and courageous nature of the human spirit.

Common Emotional Grief Reactions:

• Shock, numbness, feeling of unreality
• Helplessness and hopelessness
• Vulnerability
• Fearfulness
• Sadness
• Anger, irritability and sense of injustice
• Emptiness, loneliness
• Intense yearning and desire for your loved one/previous life
• Guilt/Self blame
• Carelessness
• Emotional withdrawal/distancing
• Anxiety

Common Cognitive Grief Reactions:

• Slowed and/or disorganized thinking
• Confusion, aimlessness, difficulty concentrating
• Preoccupation, rumination
• Unaffected, no thoughts at all about the person or the circumstances
• Dreams
• Decreased self-esteem
• Altered perceptions, sensing the presence of the deceased person
• Reduced attention span: inability to follow a conversation, to read and to stay focused; this affects many on the job regarding performance
• Forgetfulness
• Loss-centered thinking where you find yourself focusing on your own thoughts to the point of obsessiveness
• Idealization of the past, of the future and of the individual and the relationship lost.

Common Physical Grief Reactions:

• Fatigue
• Oversleeping; difficulty falling asleep and awakening; inability to get stated/motivated for another day
• Under-sleeping; nightmares, loss-centered dreaming; interrupted sleep
• Decreased or increased appetite
• Physical distress
• Nausea
• Hypoactivity or hyperactivity (underactive or overactive)
• Greater susceptibility to illness
• Other physical symptoms which may include blood pressure changes, digestive and stomach problems and headaches/migraines

Common Behavioral Grief Reactions:

• Irritable behaviors: volume/tone in speaking, increased tension
• Withdrawn/passive behaviors: introversion; short answers; limited conversations
• Increased self doubt and need for reassurance
• Difficulty making decisions.
• Apathy, not wanting to initiate activities or leave home.
• Hyperactivity: excessive energy to act out the stress/anxiety such as excessive cleaning, working, shopping/spending money or talking.

Common Social Grief Reactions:

• Being unaware of others’ needs
• Passivity
• Withdrawing from or avoiding others
• Decreased work productivity
• Loss of interest in usual pleasures, including hobbies, relationships and/or sex
• Strained relationships, differences in grieving needs between self and others.

Common Differences in Gender-Specific Grief Reactions:

• Women generally appear to experience most grief reactions with greater intensity and for a longer duration than men.
• Denying the emotional impact of loss appears to be much more common among bereaved men than among bereaved women.
• Women typically report consistently higher levels of preoccupation, yearning, and intrusive thinking than men.

Common Grief Reactions to Perinatal Loss:

• It is not unusual for bereaved parents to experience illusions that their child is still alive.
• Many parents report that they believe that they have heard their deceased baby cry, or felt a sense of their baby’s presence.
• Some mothers may feel fetal movements long after delivery. 
• Many researchers emphasize that these kinds of experiences fall within the normal range of grief experiences.

When Death Comes Unexpectedly

The loss of a loved one, no matter how or when it happens, is devastating.  Each person encounters the loss of their loved uniquely and personally.  However, when the death of a loved one happens traumatically and/or suddenly, most people report an overwhelming sensation of shock, numbness and disbelief.  This surreal feeling can last for days and even weeks.

Violent deaths and suicides can be terribly agonizing due to the intensity of the emotional grief reactions.  Seeking additional grief support may be necessary if you find yourself unable to cope with the overwhelming feelings associated with these kinds of losses.  Help is available through many religious organizations, community centers and medical centers.

  

Common emotional reactions to violent or traumatic deaths include:

• Shock, numbness and disbelief
• A feeling that you are living a “nightmare”
• Intense sadness
• Intense anger, possibly even rage.
• Loss of control
• Powerlessness.
• Extreme vulnerability
• Overwhelming guilt
• Feelings of chaos and worry that you might “go crazy”
• An extended period of grief

Coping with the trauma on top of the pervasive loss of your loved one can be extremely challenging.  It is important to seek the supportive presence of family or caring others during your time of need. 

People can and eventually do regain a sense of wholeness after experiencing traumatic loss.  Be patient with yourself and take hope in knowing that the lessons of loss will lead to a fuller understanding of the meaning of life.

Adapted from Larry A. Platt, PhD., When Death Comes Unexpectedly  

The Myths of Mourning

Unfortunately, society maintains a host of unrealistic assumptions and expectations related to grief.  Despite their well-meaning intentions, most of what we are taught to say actually generates significant angst within the bereaved.  Therefore it is important to recognize these commonly held, misinformed cultural myths and social scripts.

Common untruths/myths include:

·        Grief and mourning decline in a steadily decreasing fashion over time.

·        All losses prompt the same type of mourning.

·        To be healthy after a death, the mourner must put that person out of mind.

·        Intensity and length of mourning are a testimony to love for the deceased.

·        When mourning a death, one mourns only the loss of that person and nothing else.

·        Losing someone to a sudden death is the same as an anticipated death.

·        Mourning is over in a year.

Common unhelpful social scripts include:

·        “Don’t cry.”

·        “You can have another child”

·        “Give her some space, she needs to be alone.”

·        “Time heals all wounds.”

·        “You must be strong for others.”

·        “Keep busy.”

·        “We know how you feel.”

·        “Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”

·        “He’s in a better place” or “Be grateful you had him for so long.”

The Truth about Grieving:

·        Frequent tears and negative feelings are normal reactions to loss.

·        Individuals can not be replaced.

·        No one deserves to grieve alone.

·        Time doesn’t heal wounds, healthy grieving will complete your loss.

·        Being strong for others is an irrational request to make of those grieving.

·        Keeping busy will not help you resolve the pain caused by your loss.

·        No one knows how you feel.  Even a well meaning friend who has experienced a parallel loss does not know how you feel.

·        Grief is painful.  Acknowledging pain will help you to accept your profound loss.

·        Journeying toward wholeness is about validating your loss not intellectualizing it.

Adapted from Therese A. Rando, John James and Russell Friedman.

Navigating the Grief Process

Healing from a significant loss is a developmental transition that nearly all of us will experience within our lives.  The grief process demands that we eventually make many adjustments to changes in our daily lives.  Yet, dramatic change is often experienced as painful, uncomfortable and downright frightening.

Respecting the emotions of difficult transitions will initially assist you.  It is important to remember that your journey through grief is as unique as your fingerprint.  Therefore, not everyone will experience the range or order of these emotions as listed below.

The Emotions of Change:

·        Anxiety – “Can I cope?”

·        Relief – “At last, something’s going to change.”

·        Fear– “How am I going to resume my life?”

·        Denial – “I’m just fine.”

·        Shock – “This is harder than I thought it was going to be.”

·        Fear – “I don’t think I can get through this.”

·        Threat – “I can’t get through this.”

·        Guilt – “I should’ve _________”

·        Disillusionment – “I quit, this isn’t working for me.”

·        Depression – “My future is hopeless.”

·        Hostility – “I’ll get through this if it kills me!”

·        Gradual Acceptance – “I can see myself in the future.”

·        Moving Forward – “My new life can be fulfilling and rewarding.”

What is Grief work?

“Grief work” includes the processes that a mourner needs to complete before resuming daily life.  This can include "completing" your relationship with the person who died, readjusting to a world without him or her and forming a new identity and relationships.  Understanding the Six Needs of Mourning may be helpful to you as embrace your healing process.

The Six Needs of Mourning:

·        Acknowledge the reality of the death.

·        Embrace the pain of the loss.

·        Remember the person who died

·        Develop a new self-identity

·        Search for meaning

·        Receive on-going support from others.

On Complicated Grief

Complicated grief occurs when normal grief and loss processes appear to become ‘stuck’ and the symptoms continue unresolved for months and perhaps years.  Mental health experts are still analyzing how complicated grief symptoms differ from those of normal grief or other bereavement reactions.  During the first few months after a loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief.  However, while normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade, those of complicated grief get worse or linger.  Complicated grief is like being in a chronic, heightened state of mourning.

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief can include:

• Extreme focus on the loss and reminders of the loved one
• Intense longing or pining for the deceased
• Problems accepting the death
• Numbness or detachment
• Preoccupation with your sorrow
• Bitterness about your loss
• Inability to enjoy life and difficulty moving on with life.
• Depression or deep sadness
• Trouble carrying out normal routines
• Withdrawing from social activities
• Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
• Irritability or agitation
• Lack of trust in others

When to see a doctor:  It’s normal to experience grief after a significant loss. Most people who experience normal or uncomplicated grief can move forward eventually with support from family and friends. But if it’s been several months or more since your loss and your emotions remain so intense or debilitating that you have trouble going about your normal routine, talk to your health care provider.

Specifically, you may benefit from professional help if you:

• Can focus on little else but your loved one’s death
• Have persistent pining or longing for the deceased person
• Have thoughts of guilt or self-blame
• Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death
• Feel as if life isn’t worth living or have lost your sense of purpose in life
• Wish you had died along with your loved one

People with complicated grief may consider suicide.  If you’re considering suicide, reach out to someone as soon as possible.  The best choice is to call 911 or your local emergency services number.